2019 Wrap Up (GONE WRONG)

The major events of the year summed up in one hilarious debate.

2019 Wrap Up (GONE WRONG)

Linden Schweiger, Lord Toussaint, Gemma Bucci, Luna Moona, and Danny Buckwell

2019 Wrap-up

*Actors our purposely stupid for comedic reasons*


Linden: It’s been a long time since I’ve made an Article nonetheless with another person, but today marks the start of a partnership, Lord and I  will be doing a 2019 wrap-up, he obviously will be doing the “serious” and I will be doing the clearly more important cultural milestones and the twist, we will be debating what is more important.


Lord: 2019 was a major milestone year for the environmental battle, national politics, and geo-politics. The closing of what will surely be known as one of the most consequential decades of the century. The decade that would set the course for the remainder of the century and the world. So clearly, the most important events that took place where those in the political world. 


Linden: Nah, you know what’s important the obviously twisted and weird cultural milestones. 


Lord: Well, your botched and idiotic gen z culture won’t set the course for what will happen in the world will it? It is useless! You are all numbing your minds and becoming insensitive to the world around you. 


Linden: Yeah, well Area 51 happened, what’s your GEOPOLITICAL POO gonna do about that?


Lord: Well, you’re clearly trying to avoid a response to my clearly true statement. 


Linden: I still can’t believe the Area 51 raid turned into “Alien Stock” COMMON LORD ONE-UP ME


Lord: Call me uncultured, but I don’t know what the h e double hockey sticks “Alien Stock” is. What I do know is that the Amazon burned, which means that we have significantly less oxygen and the insanely rightwing Brazilian President Jair Bolsenaro did nothing! NOTHING except downplay it! COMMON LINDEN, ONE UP ME!!!!!!!


Linden: Well what I do know is that there is a road that I’m gonna ride ‘till I can’t no more!


Lord: As Greta Thunberg said at the UN Summit on climate action, “How dare you!” “With today’s emissions levels, the remaining CO2 budget will be entirely gone within less than eight and a half years.” But seriously, what is “Alien Stock”?


Linden: Bruj, Instead of raiding Area 51 they decided to listen to sweet tunes. 


Lord: Further proof that gen. Z has been given a short attention span due to their mind-numbing obsession with social media! 


Linden: Well ya know did happen? Adpocolypse!


Lord: Please, enlighten me. 


Linden: Well it was when youtube made more ads appear on videos than usual.


Lord: Again, that shows how dependent you are on your mind-numbing media. You have become overly accustomed to the small petty things in life. Too obsessed with minutiae and petty details and not aware of the world around you. To busy to ask your selves, “what will happen next or what has happened already?” Do you know what happened to Abu-Bakar Albaghdadi? Or how that single event has already re-shaped ISIS and reignited its extremism in the light of the escape of hundreds of ISIS fighters after the Turkish invasion of Northern Syria. 


Linden: He died, like a dog.


Lord: At least you knew that, but did you know who he was?




Lord: Let’s not go back to the 2000’s. 


Linden: Fine, R.I.P Water-Sheep. Go Pudipie!!!!!!!


Lord: Why should I care about some Sweedish guy sitting there making videos all day and serving as a terrible example to children. Don’t you think the start of the impeachment hearings is more important? Or the fact that Trump now has over 20 competitors for the presidency? Don’t you think that will have more of an impact on our world? The fate of the presidency of the United States. 


Linden: Pft, not like the Government matters, you know what does?


Lord: Well, if a different administration takes power, there will be a complete reversal of everything and I’m pretty sure that the political seesaw of back and forth partisan ridiculousness which affects everything, such as the survival of the planet, matters far more than Tick-Tock. But please, please tell me what matters to you.


Linden: *snap*  *army gets dusted*  Thanos NOOOOO!


Lord: As wonderful as End Game and Infinity War were, I think we should focus more on sparing half the world’s population from death by global warming, terrorism, mass famine, civil war, or total global chaos. Instead of watching our fictional death! 


Linden: OK, Boomer.


Lord: Speaking of Boomers, let’s talk about social security and Medicaid. Instead of ridiculing them, why don’t we talk about the fact that we might run out of money for Medicare and Social Security because of them! Or the fact that the national debt has surpassed twenty-three trillion dollars, (more than GDP). Or the fact that because of this, gen Z may not have pensions, because the fed keeps issuing bonds and Congress keeps raising the debt ceiling like there’s no tomorrow. 


Linden: SKskksksksSKksks AND I OOP SaVe ThE tUrTlEs.


*Gemma JOINS the battle!*


Gemma: Again, I’m NOT a Vsco girl!!


Linden: Pft, Then why u got a HyDrOfLaSk


Gemma: I had the water bottle before Vsco!! I swear…


Linden: Whatever, we’re here to prove that our cultural milestones are better than his STUPID GEOPOLITICAL POO.


Gemma: Well, speaking of Vsco girls, “Tik Tok” was a very important part of pop culture this year.


Lord:  Do you realize who owns the mind-numbing, addiction breeder that you call Tik Tok? 


Linden: Your Mama? 


Gemma:  No… who?


Lord: The Chinese. China now dominates the social stage. This shows where the power of the world is going….. It has transitioned to the east. Will the West Bow to the east? Do we really want a company, influenced by the totalitarian and cunning communist Chinese regime to have such profound social influence? I think not. This struggle is a greater symbol of the conflict between democracy and totalitarianism. Or the triumph of the people in general. We have seen this in the HongKong protests, Juan Guaido’s rise in Venezuela, the Chilean protests, the Iraq protests, the yellow vest protests, and the ousting of Bolivia’s Morales.


Linden: Союз нерушимый республик свободных Сплотила навеки Великая Русь. Да здравствует созданный волей народов Единый, могучий Советский Союз! (Union of indestructible republics of free Great Russia rallied forever.Long live created by the will of peoples One, mighty Soviet Union!) 


Gemma: I completely agree Linden. Lord, no one understood a word you just said.


Lord: Oh, why thank you for that opening……………….. This year, the people of Hongkong grew tired of being oppressed. They took to the streets and protested for a greater democracy. They have continued to do so for six months on end. 


Gemma: Let’s talk about something actually important that happened this year… Maybe like some of the celebrities that passed away…… like Juice Wrld.


Lord: As sad as that may be, (which really, it truly is), we should not glorify the poor life choices of a man like “Juice Wrld”. For example, a search of his private plane revealed that he was carrying 70 lb of marijuana on his private plane (enough for him to have been arrested on charges of drug trafiking) and illegal armor piercing bullets. Maybe something just a bit more important could be Juan Guaido being recognized as the President of Venezuela by the United States. 


*Danny JOINS the battle*


Danny: Did you know Juice Wrld’s latest song said “We ain’t making it past twenty-one” and he turned twenty-one on his birthday which was a week before he died. He also tweeted two years ago that his dream was to become overly famous and then fake his death.


Luna: What, no me entiendo. Oh Juice Wrld,  I See. 


Danny: Yeah he died from a seizure in Chicago while in an airport, unless he faked it.


Gemma: Wait, whos Juan Guaido?


Lord: Juan Guaido is a Venezuelan politician that proclaimed himself to be the legitimate president of Venezuela. “President” Nicholas Maduro (who has caused a severe inflation crisis brining famine to millions while oppressing the people) refuses to step down from the presidency claiming that he was the democratically elected president (despite the fact that he rigged the last election) and that Juan Guaido is therefore illegitimate. Juan Guaido promises free elections and the ousting of Maduro, naturally, the people support him, but as the grid lock continues between the two, the Venezuelan people will continue to suffer. 


Luna: Thank you for that very insightful article, google. 


Lord: Why thank you.


Danny: Yeah why don’t we keep talking about things that matter, like Juice Wrld.


Gemma: I have a good idea…


*Lord was kicked from the battle*


Danny: Yes, now we can talk about things that matter.


Lord: NOPE! Do you not think that the March for Our Lives movement was more important? Or The first anniversary of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas Highschool Shooting on February 14th 2019 (Valentines day)? We could also remember the lives of those lost during the Easter Sunday Sri Lanka church bombing or the New Zealand mosque shooting. We should remember the work against those demented individuals that think it is fine to shoot up school and religious institutions. We should remember the way that the younger generations have fought for for what they believe in. To protect the future and create a more peaceful one




Gemma: No I don’t. What I do think is important is that i finally got more than 3 hours of sleep yesterday. 


Danny: Why don’t we talk about how spiderman was taken out of the MCU by Sony and then added back?




Danny: Okay, then should we talk about how one side of Notre Dame fell down?


Linden: Nobody cares danny, Im publishing this article!




Linden: Alrighty obviously this article took many twists and turns so in conclusion I WIN this warp up and Lord loses.


Luna: No. Why did Lord freak out so much? God. 


Lord: Because, it is me we’re talking about.


Lord: No this is not being published mark my words!!!

 Not yet!!!

You hear me!!!??? We need to write closing statements and Linden, you did not win! At least not in my eyes. Let the people decide in the comments and I will make a pole.




Lord: The year 2019 will forever be remembered in history as the lead up to the single most important historical crossroads of the 21st century. The 20’s will be of unparalleled significance. The conflict between democracy and tyranny has escalated internationally. Both sides have had major gains in the decade but the struggle continues and has escalated further this year, as the 10’s come to a close. It will be the events of this year that leaders remember when they make their decisions in the next decade as they will be the nearest thing in memory. And the actions of our leaders in the next decade will make or break us. Will the next decade be one of the Republicans or the Democrats? The liberals or the conservatives? The dictator or the free man? The rich man or the poor man? The rulers or the ruled? The good or the bad? As sad as it may be, that last question depends on how you view reality. We all at one point or another will attempt to envision a great future for our children and grandchildren, but as our views differ, so will our vision. No matter how you view that future, no matter what your conception of good or bad may be, hope for it, pray for it, and envision it. That is because while we hope we breath. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah,  and a Happy New Year. This is Lord Toussaint signing off. 

Print Friendly, PDF & Email