Lord Dexter, Enforcer of Deer

The Luckiest Man Ever!

Frederico Campanella and Gustavo Falcon

  People consider that life may be unfair, some optimists say that it is fair, but no one, apart from movies, has said that life treats everyone well, and gives everyone as much of an opportunity as the other. And no, this isn’t because some babies are born in rich families and others are born is absolute poverty. No no. This is because life has saved up all the luck for one fortunate baby child. This kid was Timothy Dexter.

  Born in 1747, in Malden, Massachusetts, Dexter was born in a poor family, playing with mud and being as anti-social as the next guy. He became a school drop-out at the late age of 8 and quickly became a leather-dresser apprentice. But Timothy didn’t feel satisfied, so he married a 32 year old rich widow who inherited a bunch of money and needed some company.

  Comfortable in his newfound wealth, he went on to do rich people stuff. He noticed that all the other upper class people in his town had political positions, and so he decided to run for office. He sent thousands of hand-written letters to some of the politicians in charge in the hope that they would give him some position of power. Naturally, the people thought he was really stupid, but after being suffocated by thousands of letters they decided to make something up (a position) and give it to him. And so, he became “The Enforcer of Deer.” Dexter ruled with an iron fist and  concluded with what many had already knew, that there weren’t any deer in Malden, Massachusetts.

A little history here. During the American Revolutionary War, the soldiers were paid with something called “Continental Currency.” At the time the currency was worthless, but when the war ended some rich people were like: “aight, they did kind of give us a country, so… we could give them some cents and get this off their hands”. Now when Dexter found out about this he was like, uh uh, I’m rich too, I will buy thousand of those things off their hands; and so Dexter bought boatloads after boatloads of that stuff (the currency). To put things in perspective, these things were the equivalent of happy birthday cards. Now by some streak of good luck, the new American Government decided to give these cards 1% of their face value, now this may not seem like much, but Dexter bought TONS of these things at cents a piece. Suddenly, this leatherworker realized that he may have a very prominent future.

  One of the most notable things about Dexter was his absurd business luck. He was jokingly told to, “ship coal to Newcastle (which was an old idiom used to describe a pointless task, due to Newcastle being one of the biggest coal suppliers),” and he actually did. To many people’s surprise, he made a profit because the miners happened to be on strike. Another lucky business feat that happened to him was when he sold warming pans (an old thing people used to warm their beds in the Northeast) to the Caribbean. Many people resented him due to his low IQ and big ego, so they told him to do this in order to bankrupt him. Unfortunately for them, the people in the Caribbean ended up using them as ladles for making molasses. Another example of this is how he rounded up a bunch of stray cats where he lived in Newburyport, and sold them to the Caribbean, which needed a solution to rats. These were just some examples of Timothy Dexter’s business ventures.

  It was at this point in our research that we were like, wait… is he actually smart? Then we learned about his life outside of business. For example, one day he was walking down the street and saw a guy painting a sign that was next to a statue of George Washington. On the sign it said “,The Writer Of The Declaration Of Independence.” Of course, he went nuts, and started to point a rifle at the guy to force him to say that it was the Constitution which Washington had written until the man finally agreed. The problem, Washington didn’t write the Constitution, either! It’s like saying: “The Chinese didn’t build the pyramids, stupid, it was the Aliens.” 

  We could go into a real loop about him, talking about how his wife didn’t cry when he faked his death, causing him to cane her; how he ordered to make a statue of him saying that he was the greatest philosopher in history; but there’s a moment in his life when he decided to set a legacy, and so he decided to write a book. This book was called: “A Pickle For The Knowing Ones.” It was basically just 20 pages of him ranting about his wife and saying how he was the greatest philosopher in the entire world. But what’s most notable was his “eccentric” style of writing. It’s bananas, full of grammar mistakes, random capitalization like, nonsense sentences; here are some of our favourites: “Jorge Washeton”, “Jnrel”, “Contry”, “I can tak”, “politicks”, we could go on, but you should read the book by yourself.

Haggard Hawks 📚🦅 on Twitter: "The American eccentric Lord Timothy Dexter's 1802 book 'A Pickle for the Knowing Ones' contained almost no punctuation. When readers complained, he published a second edition containing

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